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Old 03-29-2011, 04:29 PM   #1
Joey
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Liberty Twp, OH
Posts: 222
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Default Random Haynes manual fun

Can't remember where I seen this:

For those of us that have ever used a Haynes Manual

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Prise...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jesus what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - thats the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was
a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the
garage whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I
thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!
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Joey
Cincinnati OH
http://www.customroveraccessories.com Home of the New D2 horn buttons!

http://www.usarovers.com/ (call for Rover parts ask for Nathan 502-222-5859)

Rover Radio issues or IPOD Adapters http://home.valornet.com/splacket/index.htm

EAS fault http://www.rswsolutions.com

When working with GEMS vehicles. Never try to locate a misfire by pulling plug leads off - pull the injector connector instead. Otherwise you can blow up the ECU.

Secondly never swap ECUs between vehicles to test them, because both vehicles and ECUs may stop working, and you'll have to have them all reset by a franchised LR dealer (ouch!).
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